Political Satire - 2016

“I am going to Washington as a delegation of one from the American Comedians' Association to get us some aid. No industry has been hit worse than us professional humorists. There is just too much unconscious amateur talent among our elected officials.” - Will Rogers

In the course of American history, has there ever been this much public frustration regarding a Presidential election? Five different candidates for whom the American people can choose to vote and, quite honestly, it plays out more like a comedy of errors than the serious deliberation of a country in search of their next Commander in Chief. Why such a harsh portrayal? Let's consider our options:

Donald Trump, or Drumpf if you prefer, is well known for his TV celebrity status. That, and for stealing an old lady's seaside property to expand his casino, twisting the use of eminent domain for personal gain. Granted, there are plenty of conservatives who wouldn't mind his “You're fired!” approach, in regards to the large majority of the government if he is elected.

Hillary Clinton, who's been in politics so long she likely believes her own lies, probably needs a vacation to recover from whatever ill ails her. Be it pneumonia, her conscience... or Bill Clinton. However, Democrats will be excited to have a Planned Parenthood and NOW hub connected to every McDonald's for your convenience if she becomes the president.

Then there's the Green Party candidate, Jill Stein, who looks quite like President Coin from the Hunger Games movies. She is recently noted for creative artwork on a bulldozer and received a court appointment as a reward. Perhaps Stein should take lessons from Clinton and Trump on how to dodge court cases and lawsuits in the future. We also have the brand new American Delta Party. Rocky De La Fuente, who wanted to be the Democratic presidential nominee this year, created his own party in order to make it on the ballot in November. Out with the Whig Party, in with the Delta?

Now don't forget the Libertarian nominee, Gary Johnson, who has a fair chance of stealing votes from both Trump and Hillary. Both the Democrats and the Republicans fear Johnson could cripple their candidate's chances for victory. Johnson will likely get votes from some Bernie Sanders supporters due to the DNC scandal and from Republicans who don't fancy a narcissistic celebrity giving the State of the Union address.

All in all, November 2016 is going to be one hot mess. Of an Associated Press poll taken in July, Lisa Lerer and Emily Swanson wrote, “...Americans hold resoundingly negative opinions of both candidates. Fifty-seven percent have an unfavorable view of Clinton, compared to 37 percent who have a favorable view. Sixty-three percent have a negative view of Trump, compared to the 31 percent who think well of him.” It seems that people plan to vote for one candidate simply because they don't want the other to win. This political season has turned into a giant game of choosing between 'the lesser of two evils'.

One must wonder, when did politics turn into a poker game? We vote for a candidate just to call the other party's bluff? We catch a dirty deal but then don't demand a re-deal? Or we fold a winning hand, just because we don't have as many chips as the other players? Electing a president has never been an easy hobby but Americans are scared of the candidates and worried about the future.

If we're stuck with either Tantalizing Trump or Benghazi Babe, Washington, D.C. will have one sticky, political web to unravel in four years. After November 8^th, it's quite possible that we'll find a brigade of millennials throwing their pumpkin spice lattes into the Boston harbor. Sermons on the anti-christ will escalate in churches across the nation. Paul Revere's 13^th great-grandson will be riding a mustang to the nearest free-wifi location to notify his virtual friends of the revolution, via Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook. If you see any towers or steeples, with not just one but two LED lights, take note! It's quite likely that one of Kim Jong-un's nuclear missiles is coming so take necessary precautions. While the lucky few escape the country with their recently acquired passports, we'll find ourselves in the midst of the next world war and the worst economic times since the Great Recession. The conspiracy theorists would like to say “I told you so!” but they won't be able to because they'll be so far off the grid even Raymond Reddington won't be able to find them.

Or maybe... the American people will sigh, remember that Presidents can't do that terribly much in four years. They'll turn on the television to catch the next episode of The Voice and continue to wrap Christmas gifts with uncooperative scotch tape acquired at Dollar General.

To paraphrase the British, “Keep calm and America on.”

To keep track of how candidates are fairing in the public opinion, RealClearPolitics.com keeps fairly unbiased tabs on the race by providing polls from various media sources across the country.