Reflections On Friendship

Ralph Waldo Emerson says that a good friend is like stinging nettle...

At a book sale a few years ago I spent 25 cents on a small, dark brown, hard-backed collection of essays by Ralph Waldo Emerson. At that point in time I'd read a few quotes by Emerson and had heard he was a great writer, but was not familiar with any of his works. I bought the book because it looked vintage and would add character to my bedroom bookshelf.
Recently, in search of some thought provoking literature, I picked up this little treasure and thumbed through the yellowed pages. For whatever reason I settled on reading the essay entitled, "Friendship".

Ralph Waldo Emerson said that a friendship consists of these two things:
truth and tenderness.
Truthfulness first, and hence the stinging nettle. Alright.... well, maybe he didn't spell it out quite as I have stated above. Much more eloquently, rather:

"Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness, that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party. Let me be alone to the end of the world, rather than that my friend should overstep, by a word or a look, his real sympathy. I am equally balked by antagonism and by compliance. Let him not cease an instant to be himself. The only joy I have in his being mine, is that the not mine is mine. I hate, where I looked for a manly furtherance, or at least a manly resistance, to find a mush of concession. Better be a nettle in the side of your friend than his echo. The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it. That high office requires great and sublime parts. There must be very two, before there can be very one. Let it be an alliance of two large, formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which beneath these disparities unites them."

Maybe you have read my previous blog post about Mr. Glemp, and so naturally the idea of sincerity is of much interest to me. As a person who looks to find a way to keep the peace and yet clings to high ideals with a deep sense of morality, it is a little battle that rages in my being. Mr. Emerson wrote of this too, "He only is fit for this society who is magnanimous; who is sure that greatness and goodness are always economy; who is not swift to intermeddle with his fortunes." There is no battle of decisions in which a side does not come up victorious. Not making a decision is a decision. Teddy Roosevelt said along those lines, "The best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing, the worst thing you can do is nothing."   

That being said, it is one thing to be a glemper in society when there are numerous people involved and a pleasant disposition is required.  
When it comes right down to it though, I would rather that, with my friend, we forsake the abundant pleasures of formality and comfort in favor of five true words. I value sincerity greatly and with a true friend it is the knowing that we can be straightforward, honest and sincere with each other that I relish the most. 

It seems to me that politeness, formality and glemping is necessary with strangers for I do not think that stinging nettle or five true words from a stranger would be as well accepted. A stranger can not provoke the depth of a person's soul to come forth like a friend can. Emerson wrote of this too: 

"No two men but, being left alone with each other, enter into simpler relations. Yet it is affinity that determines which two shall converse. Unrelated men give little joy to each other; will never suspect the latent powers of each. We talk sometimes of a great talent for conversation, as if it were a permanent property in some individuals. Conversation is an evanescent relation, — no more. A man is reputed to have thought and eloquence; he cannot, for all that, say a word to his cousin or his uncle. They accuse his silence with as much reason as they would blame the insignificance of a dial in the shade. In the sun it will mark the hour. Among those who enjoy his thought, he will regain his tongue."

Nevertheless, it is possible for a stranger to be polite and sincere at the same time. With a much lighter tread than a friend, but still with the truth one possess their character. The insencerity of people in general is astounding sometimes. I came across this in my years spent on Facebook. Frivolousness, gossip and idle conversation do nothing to bring tenderness or truthfulness about in relations with people.
Mr. Emerson tells of one fellow who forsook the natural whimsy of socially acceptable behavior and was rewarded for his efforts:

"I knew a man, who, under a certain religious frenzy, cast off this drapery, and, omitting all compliment and commonplace, spoke to the conscience of every person he encountered, and that with great insight and beauty. At first he was resisted, and all men agreed he was mad. But persisting, as indeed he could not help doing, for some time in this course, he attained to the advantage of bringing every man of his acquaintance into true relations with him. No man would think of speaking falsely with him, or of putting him off with any chat of markets or reading-rooms. But every man was constrained by so much sincerity to the like plaindealing, and what love of nature, what poetry, what symbol of truth he had, he did certainly show him. But to most of us society shows not its face and eye, but its side and its back. To stand in true relations with men in a false age is worth a fit of insanity, is it not?"

Worth a fit of insanity, indeed.
If you would like to read the entirety of Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay you can click here. I'd recommend it for there is so much that I have gained from reading it that I can not begin to relate it all. 
So, there you have it.
My latest endeavor is now to maintain a little bit of formic acid (the acid on the nettle hairs that cause the "sting") when dealing with my good friends. I wonder if Emerson knew that stinging nettle had therapeutic properties (it reduces swelling, comically enough). I am glad for my friends that are honest, tender and who keep me humble and happy. 

Really, what Emerson was discovering to us, with his essay on truth and tenderness, was the simple truths we find in Christ Jesus.  

Ephesians 4:15 says, "But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:" 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says," Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." 

If this whole stinging nettle analogy doesn't work well for you then I recommend you try coffee. It also seems to work nicely to explain this difference in fast friends and real friends. Some like lots of sugar and cream and flavor added to their coffee. They drink it socially but wouldn't have it otherwise.
Others like their coffee strong, dark and black. It's bitter sometimes, but on the other hand a freshly ground bean can make a world of difference and the smooth rich darkness needs no flavor enhancers. A good cup of coffee goes a long way. 

O.K., I'll be honest. I do usually add a drop of milk to my coffee. I suppose that goes along with my propensity to glemp. But if a coffee is truly quality I hardly notice that it is black and can drink it readily. Not Folgers though.... I have to have cream and maybe even sugar with Folgers coffee. Oh, Folgers you are a stranger to me! ;)
Not everyone is fitted to be excellent friends, so I am thankful that there are people out there who I can call a genuine friend and who would call me their genuine friend.
 ....that being said, my dad just brewed a pot of coffee. I think I'd better go have a cup. With each sip I shall be reminded of my friends and family who make the world a better place with their unadulterated personalities. 

Until next time,
Cheerio!