*the following is adapted from the "Redirected Relationships" presentation given at the Encouraging Young Ladies Retreat.
Satan has a lot of ways to deceive us from the
simple truths we have in Christ. Don’t let these misconceptions fool you the
way they fooled me.
Misconception #1
A courtship protects you from getting hurt.
While it would be nice if this were the case, it
is an unrealistic expectation. Courtship started becoming more popular with
Joshua Harris’ book, “I kissed dating goodbye”.
While his principles worked for some people there are a lot of bitter
ex-courtiers now who’d like to throw the baby out with the bathwater. The
principles of courtship are the best out there for conducting a relationship
between a man and a woman looking to get married. We just need to acknowledge
that we are still flawed human beings living in a flawed world and even
courtship can have its problems. Most gals I know who’ve experienced
“redirected relationships” have had a rough time getting over the relationship.
Even if you don’t give away your heart and you conduct yourself in the best
possible way you are putting yourself out there and being vulnerable to an
extent. It hurts when it doesn’t work out, even if things end cordially or by
your choosing. One week people are congratulating you on being in a
relationship and the next you’re having to explain that things didn’t work out. It is a very humbling thing to have a relationship that doesn’t
end in marriage.
Misconception #2
A courtship is supposed to end in marriage.
We’re correctly taught that each time you’re in a relationship you give away a
piece of your heart. Because of this I wanted my first relationship to be my
ONLY relationship. I am really happy for those people who marry the first
person they get to know, but I’ve learned that sometimes it’s better when your
first relationship isn’t the ONLY relationship. There was another young man who
was interested in me for quite some time and who was a good guy in every way.
My friends liked him, my parents thought he was great, but I just didn’t feel
like he was right for me. It can be hard to end this kind of friendship/relationship
when you feel like you have no good reason to, but you should NOT feel guilty
to end a courtship even if you don’t have a “valid reason”. You are the one who
will live with your decision, not your parents or anyone else!
Misconception #3
You can
be in a courtship and keep a clear head & heart without getting your feelings
involved.
It’s easy to believe that you’re thinking straight and that you can make
decisions on your own. I used to think that guarding your heart meant you don’t
entertain any feelings or thoughts for a guy. It is good and right to try to
guard your heart but it is impossible to put aside feelings that come
naturally. God created us to be emotional and physical beings and I’ve never
met anyone who was capable of removing all emotion from the courtship process. I
learned that instead of getting down on yourself for having feelings, it is
better to learn to acknowledge your feelings. Write them down or share them
with your parents. This can allow you to also focus on the more logical side of
a situation. In my second courtship I certainly had feelings for my future
husband…. But at the same time I maintained a stronger desire to be logical, to
do things right and know things might not go as I desired.
That being said when I was younger I hadn’t learned to be logical. I doomed
myself to some miserable years and bad decisions. It’s really important to not allow yourself to get
infatuated or to dwell on any certain guy inappropriately. Had I not already
placed myself in a vulnerable emotional state maybe I would have been more
objective and heeded the wise advice I received right away.
Misconception #4
If you’re not married
before you’re 20 you’re an old maid.
I definitely felt this need to get married young. You obey God, you honor your
parents, and you get married and raise babies. Conservative Christian and
homeschool culture made marrying young feel like the norm and to me it was the pinnacle
of success. As I’d watched so many friends find their soul mate and begin
their lives and I wanted that as well. Though the desire to be married was good and natural, it came from a place of
pride in my heart. God worked on my heart to teach me that there is
more to life. Looking
back I’m extremely thankful for my single years. They weren’t the curse I
thought they were. Take advantage of your single years! They are a
HUGE blessing. Use this time to study God’s word and learn as
much as you can. You may not have time like you do now when you become a wife and mother! There's a real lack of time and ability to study God’s word once you have kids. Think about every year you’re single as an opportunity to soak in the Word
of God and store it away in your mind so that later you can pass it on to your children. 1 Cor. 7:34
says, “There is difference also between a wife and a
virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be
holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things
of the world, how she may please her husband.” While this
verse doesn’t directly talk about raising kids I think it applies to mom life
and as well as being a married woman.
Misconception
#5
The mistakes that happen to other people won’t
happen to you.
Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately
wicked: who can know it?” I started out in my first courtship with the
best intentions only to find myself in situations I came to regret. Whether it’s giving yourself to a guy emotionally, perhaps
giving yourself to him spiritually when that’s not his place as your spiritual
authority, or even as far entering a physical relationship, be it something as
simple as holding hands or kissing, to sleeping with a guy… it is never to late
to do the right thing. One friend said that she’s heard girls say, “I’ve slept with him, now I have to
stay with him.” This kind of thinking is a lie from Satan. Satan wants us to believe that we’re marred, we’re
ruined, and we aren’t worthy. He’ll use any mistake we make to bring us down. I
learned that it’s best to learn your lesson, remember who your heavenly Father
is and have a battle plan so next time you don’t fall into temptation. Don’t
let it control you or keep you from trying to do the right thing the next time
around. It’s never too late to do the right thing.
Misconception #6
You’re incomplete
and your life doesn’t begin till you find that significant other.
Another deception was that influenced me was that you don’t really begin your
life and fulfill your true purpose until you find that person that completes
you. It was a belief that I was incomplete until I was married. Not true. It
was a freeing moment when I learned God has created each of us in His imaged. In Colossians 2:10 it says, “Ye are complete in Him…” The only thing that
makes a human incomplete is the lack of having a quickened spirit and being
saved in Christ. Once we have that relationship and union with God we are set…
Marriage is a wonderful, additional stage in life but it's not
the be-all-and-end-all.
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