15 Red Flags to Watch for in Guys

*the following is adapted from the "Redirected Relationships" presentation given at the Encouraging Young Ladies Retreat.

Learning to see the red flags in guys (and in people!) can take some work. While some warning signs are obvious, others are not so easy to detect. This is why it can be helpful to get wise counsel when you're interested in a fellow.

15 Red Flags
1 - A guy who is too flattering. This can be any thing from excessively praising you, or shallow praise regarding things like your looks. Too many people can tell you you’re pretty but never praise your real qualities.
2 - A guy who is unkind or mean. 
It doesn’t matter how much you like them. If they aren’t kind, polite or nice to you or to others that’s a big red flag.
3 - If in a relationship he treats other girls the same as you and doesn’t set you apart. 
My brother-in-law was a very popular, friendly guy and he liked to hug all the ladies. My sister didn’t feel comfortable with that and stopped talking to him. He finally saw the error of his ways when his father and a friend backed my sister up.
4 - How a guy treats others when he’s around you.  When a guy is waiters, cashiers or other such people these are good times to watch his behavior. This is important because someday you’ll be the one serving your husband. If he treats someone who's serving him, such as a waitress, with disrespect then he’ll probably treat you that way too.
5 - How a guy acts with kids. 
Remember, you can choose your husband but your kids can’t choose their father. Choose wisely.
6 - A guy who’s so cool that he’s out of your league.
Any guy who acts as if you’re lucky to be with him is bad news. Another thing to watch for is a guy who doesn’t make time for you or your relationship and treats you like a pot on the back burner. Respect yourself and know that you deserve someone who thinks the world of you. My friend Cassandra says, “Don’t settle for someone who treats you half way.”  
7 - A guy who doesn’t want to take responsibility. 
Cassandra went on a date with a guy who told her, “I’m more of a follower so you’ll have to take the lead in this relationship” This is the sort of sissy you don't want to end up with.
8 - A guy who lists his life history of problems right off the bat. 
While the flip side can be a guy who doesn’t ever acknowledge any problems it’s more normal for a person to put their best foot forward initially. Someone who gives you a sob story right away is choosing to be the victim in life. If this guy is miserable he's definitely looking for company. Don't join his pity party. You don't want to lead a miserable life, too.
9 - A guy who shows a lack of protection and gentlemanly behavior. 
Whether it’s opening doors, chairs, or letting you walking on the inside of the road, a man should lay down his life for his wife and his children or anyone who he's responsible for.
10 - A man who expects everyone to serve him but never serves others. If a guy who has high expectations and wants to be served from a silver platter but can't reciprocate is looking for a mama to take care of him. Not a wife. It's also probably that his mom is a piece of work since she was the one who catered to and cultured his needy ways. That's not the kind of mother-in-law you want. You should have to compete with your husband's mother.
11 - A guy who pushes your boundaries. Watch out for guys who don't respect your boundaries, especially men who don’t respect physical boundaries. Guys who do this often start off with the little things and work their way up to crossing your biggest boundaries. When you object they’ll find convincing ways to get off the hook and excuse their behavior. Different men do this in different ways. There are passive guys and there are aggressive guys.  Sometimes it can be hard to detect if a guy is very subtle. These guys view you as a challenge and/or they’re in it to see how far they can undo all your standards. The best way to protect yourself is to establish your boundaries and keep to them. Remember this applies to other areas besides being physical. Emotional and spiritual boundaries are at risk, too. No matter how much you like a guy, or how respectful he is in every other way, if he doesn’t have your fathers blessing or he’s not your husband this is a BIG red flag. 
12- Another thing to watch out for is negative family history. 
Bad family relationships, abuse or other forms of dysfunction don’t necessarily mean a guy will be a nut job but he may come with baggage. Or he may just be a nut job. When searching for a husband we ladies often err on the side of giving a guy the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to see the good in the first guy I courted and dwell on his potential. I didn’t consider the issues with his character. Here is a good rule of thumb: A guy is always guilty until proven innocent.
13 - If you end things and they don’t accept that. AND...
14 - If he tries to get you to leave your parent's leadership and home.
The first guy I courted was notorious for not taking no for an answer. Even after I'd made it clear I was no longer interested in him I received a letter from him in 2016. He mailed it to his sister and had her deliver it to me so that my parents wouldn't see it. It was the weirdest letter ever. It was like if Satan had tried to copy a letter from the Apostle Paul. It was full of twisted scripture and while he tried to make it sound like he had godly intentions, he tried to tell me that my parents were of the devil. He wrote, "Allow me to be pointed now and say instruction from your parents alone will destroy your true potential in Jesus. If they disagree then they have stepped into the shoes of Jesus and are lead of the devil. Let that not be the case. May I also be bold and say that you should leave your parents house in order to follow Jesus. The woman of Proverbs 31 did not stay at home under her parents wings. May I also say that most men don't desire a woman who is foreign to living in the world. You barely know your own self, why would someone else wish to enter into a relationship with you? Finding your identity is something that you do now. Please see the wisdom in this, not for my glory but for Gods."
He ended the letter, " P.S. I have spent much time talking with friends and family about you and it has been a great thing. I know we haven't talked in a very long time. Sometime I'd like to know why? Many people have said we should get married. I have thought about it and prayed about it. So if you want to talk about that we can. If nothing else I'd like to talk about Jesus working in your life and mine. That is the only thing that matters to me anymore."
I like how he just got done telling me that no one would want to be in a relationship with me while I live at my parents home and then dangles the bate of marriage in the Post Script. I have to chuckle every time I read this letter, but it's scary to consider what he'd hoped that letter would produce.
15 - Rushing things is a red flag.  Watch out for a guy who is hasty. This can be an issue. You’re more likely to see a guy’s real character the longer you get to know him so don’t make decisions in the heat of the moment or commit to someone in the beginning of a relationship. It's important to remember that a guy who is hasty may have a problem being patient. Patience is key when you get married because there will be stressors in your relationship, with your children and in life in general.
 
To sum it up!
If your interested in a guy who seems to be demonstrating red flags or people are telling you they’re seeing red flags in him you should take note! Get second opinions, keep an eye out for these problems and if they are really an issue steer clear of the dude! He’s not the only man on earth and there are more fish in the sea!