5 Years

 It's pretty hard to type with a baby nursing on your lap. And I should be washing windows since it's a cool, cloudy morning. Today marks 5 years of marriage, which is exciting. Since the oldest two are still sleeping (they speak English and demand my attention, unlike the baby) I thought I'd blog.

We invested in a new laptop which makes blogging easier. A PC this time instead of Jeff's Macbook Air. What a relief. It took forever to get used to the Apple. I liked it better in some ways, but it was impractical for anything photo related. Just downloading photos off my Canon was a pain. On the flip side we also invested in new cell phones. They are Apple iPhones.

Jeff's old phone was inexpensive and had minimal storage (16GB). Lame. It made phone calls and provided us with a hotspot when needed, so he managed. My cell phone was as old as Jeff's Macbook Air.... a 2013 Samsung Note 3. I started getting messages from Verizon saying it would no longer be usable by December 2022. Kind of makes me mad. I wanted to see how long I could make it last. It's crazy it survived this long. I took that baby floating down a river... back when I was single and went tubing with friends.

Down. A. River.

In a ziplock bag.... except for when I was taking photos or video with it. And into the barn. Numerous banrs actually. Barns with cow poop, swishing tails, flies and concrete floors. The number of times I dropped the phone on concrete are just unreal. After all it's been through it has just a wee crack on the bottom, right-hand corner. My friends would sneeze on their lovely new phones and the screens would shatter. They don't make them like they used to. C'mon, China. 

Funny story about how I got my Note 3. I had dated a guy in high school. Broke up. It was a huge deal at the time. Anyway, a few years later we started talking again, for something the 4th time. I think it was an accident on my part... butt dial? I can't remember.  My flip phone limitations were a conversation piece and he offered to give me his year-old phone because he'd just updated to something better. I agreed, and why not? It was better than the free upgrade option at the Verizon store: An iPhone 5 I believe. So the guy mailed it to me. It arrived around New Year's Eve 2014, no cost to me, restored to the factory settings and with his number in the contacts. I deleted and blocked his number and went on with my life. Pretty terrible really. Maybe the meanest thing I've ever done? Maybe not. Hard tellin', not knowin'. 

Back to the anniversary. We have big plans in a few weeks to celebrate. A get-away weekend of concerts. Alan Jackson and George Straight. Those guys are getting up there and a practically legend status. Time to see them in concert before they're not playing anymore. A kid-free trip, hotels, restaurants, ...just the two of us. Real Country Music is hard to come by now so this will be a treat. Not to mention, the only concert I've attended was a local artist's performance at a high school. Jeff is not so deprived.

5 years is pretty cool. It's no walk in the park. We have our unique challenges, but it's been transformative and freeing in so many ways. For me at least. I won't speak for Jeff. We're still babies in this business but I've definitely turned a new leaf or two and grown up a lot. Marriage and kids will do that to a person. I can't wait to see where we're at in 10 years.

I'm not in a hurry though. My new mantra is "dwell". Jeff should like that. He's always trying to convince me to just stay home and unsubscribe from everyone else's drama. He's more introverted than I am so this skill comes easier to him. I'm liking his ways more and more, though. Less outside distractions, more dwelling. More minding my own business and caring for my husband and children. It's freeing.  

Well, the kids are awake now. I have them distracted with window washing. It's still novel at their age. Nevermind.... it's novel for me, too.  Big date planned for tonight. Dinner or something romantic like that. I'm glad I married Jeff. He's not everything I though he was going to be. At the same time he's more than I could have hoped for or imagined. His sense of humor is on point, he provides, he protects, he's damn good lookin'. He has no time for drama, he's a giant tease, and he has the moral compass and discernment of the King James Version. What more could a woman ask for? I am lucky.                       

He's also Canadian and says lăva, păsta and llăma with an "ă" sound ...as in past, apple or cat. Among other humorous word pronunciations. What's not to love, eh? It's okay... he gives me crap for my midwestern-Wisconsinite accent. 

5 years of marriage? You betcha.

Lawrence's Birthday

The 29th of August had arrived at last. Little did I know I'd be giving birth in a few short hours.

Lawrence Edward at 1 week old

To be honest I don't remember a super lot about the morning hours. I know we got to "sleep in" till 7am... and Jeff, naturally, slept in a bit later due to staying up till the wee hours of the morning. I think I let the kids wake him up around 8:30.... feeling little pity for him and still fuming about his lack of sensitivity. He was in a good mood and explained that he'd gotten sucked in by the YouTube suggested videos. He watched some little clip about a guy out who died in a cave.... which lead to him researching it online... which lead to the discovery of a movie about the guy.... and of course he watched it! How could I even be mad? It was all too amusing.

Enjoying the last few hours as a family of four

We passed the morning nicely although I was having some decent contractions that were a little less comfortable than braxton-hicks contractions. I mentioned it to Jeff and he was excited right away. I was in denial of course. I always figure if my water hasn't broken and I haven't seen any other signs like bloody show, etc. then I'm  not in labor or it's false labor. Plus I'd had other times in the past number of weeks where I had some stronger-than-braxton-hicks contractions just because I needed to have a BM, or while I was sitting around reading a book. So I kept telling myself it was probably just due to a BM or just my body prepping for the real thing.  DENIAL.

Around 10am I went to the bathroom and there was a little mucus plug. A very little bit. I reminded myself that during my first pregnancy I'd lost mucus plug over the course of a week before I went into labor. This didn't necessarily mean I was in the process of having a baby. DENIAL.

Nevertheless, at the sign of a little mucus, I decided it would be worth having my husband check my butt crack. For those of you who've never heard of "the butt crack line", there's a line or seam where your two butt checks meet and it turns purple as you dilate. The more dilated your cervix becomes the higher the purple line ...starting in the South and heading North, if you will ;). My husband obliged and reported that it looked to be an inch already... or about 1/4 of the way. This could be promising. But I reminded myself that in many cases you can be fairly dilated for days or weeks before going into labor. DENIAL.

It's funny because my Grandpa called around the time we were eating lunch (chips and cheese! I figured I'd better get a meal in so I'd have energy for the labor). She'd been wanting me to have the baby while relatives were visiting. She asked how I was doing and I told her all was well! I had a decent contraction while talking to her but didn't think a thing of it. She was so surprised to hear I'd had the baby only a few hours later (as was I!).

I did decide that since I'd lost some mucus plug and there were other things going on I should inform my midwife. My husband had been urging me to do so but I didn't want to bother her, especially on a Sunday morning, as she would likely be in church. Instead of calling I sent her some text messages.

Me: "It appears I lost a little mucs plug. Not a lot but it was yellow, and snot-like. Not something I normally have when I wipe. Just thought I'd let you know." 10:36am
Me: "Some decent contractions as well though I haven't timed them or anything yet. Could just be that I need to have a BM." 10:39am
Midwife: "Souds good keep me updated" 11:02am
Midwife: "Sounds not souds" 11:02am
Me: "Will do!" 11:08am
Midwife: "How are you feeling with your cold?" 11:14am
Me: "Better today than yesterday, but still no 100%" 11:15am
Midwife: "Ok" 11:18am
Me: (screenshot of my contractions) "Here's the last number of contractions" 12:30pm
Me: "I'm gonna try to lay down and take the usual midday nap. I had Jeff check my butt crack line and it was purple halfway up." 12:32pm
Me: "It was only a 1/4 of the way two hours ago." 12:33pm
Midwife: "Ok that would be good to nap. I can come whenever you ready as well." 12:35pm
Me: " Sounds good. I'll be in touch" 12:38pm
Me: "I usually don't nap for longer than an hour (if I can nap at all). If you want to head over whenever you're ready that would be fine, as you'd mentioned getting the IV done before labor gets too far along." 12:44pm
Midwife: "I will get ready and head out then." 12:45pm
Midwife: "I am heading from our church so it will be approx 1 1/2 hours." 12:57pm
Me: "Sounds good" 1:02pm

Rachel with Laurie a few days after his birthday

Around the same time I contacted my midwife I'd also messaged my birth photographer. My beloved sister-in-law, Rachel. I sent her the screenshot of my contractions and said, "How does today work for you to come take pictures? Kind of handy that Chan isn't working, eh? ; ) Might not need to come for a few hours but thought I'd give you a heads up." 1:05pm

She had to wait for her husband to get home so he could watch their two boys and then she came over.

On a side note: Rachel had asked me to capture her labor and delivery on camera/video just over a year earlier on July 24th, when my nephew was born. It was fun to reciprocate the request and it was an honor to have her at my birth. It was also the first birth she'd been to so that was really cool (not including her own).

Working through a contraction right after Rachel had first arrived

One of the first things she did upon arrival was get one last maternity photo of me. She later sent me the picture and we were both surprised it had been taken at 2:15pm. I remember being a little annoyed at the time for two reasons. Firstly, because why hadn't I thought of that (getting on last maternity picture)?! Secondly, as she was instructing me to let my hair down as it would make for a better photo and find a decent place to take the picure I was thinking, "Doesn't she know I'm in labor?" It's all pretty funny to think about now because normally I'd really care about all those photo details like background, lighting, angle etc.  I suppose my attitude isn't too suprising considering where I was at in labor.

My last maternity photo

It was about 15 minutes after Rachel snapped that picture that my midwife, Emily, arrived with her assistant, her daughter, Ivy. Jeff had finally decided to pack up the kids and I was saying goodbye to them outside by our vehicle. Emily remarked later that based on my greeting to them (I smiled, waved and said a few words to them) that it could easily be a few hours before baby came. I had a big contraction as I was saying farewell to the kids... you know the kind where you rest on something and try not to talk. Then Jeff was off and I waddled back inside. Emily, Ivy were getting a few things set up and chatting with Rachel.

Emily, getting things ready

The plan was to give me an IV to help control blood loss but Emily wanted to check and make sure I wasn't too far along. She said it's best to not give the IV if you're over 4cm dilated (if I remember correctly). So she checked me and we were both shocked to discover that I was at 7cm... maybe 8, and she could feel my bag of waters bulging! I guess with the kids out of the house and knowing I was already so far along I just let my body go and do it's thing. One final trip to the bathroom for a poop (I was so proud of myself as I thought I didn't poop during labor... only to watch the birth video later to realize I did! lol).

I wasn't sure entirely where I'd get the job done (my room or the kids room) up until that point, but I decided to have the baby in my children's room. They have just a queen mattress on a frame and I figured if I got it all messy I'd still have my bedroom and bed to go rest in after it was all through. It was probably only another 15 minutes before the baby came.

A little rest between contractions

Getting down to business.
I felt like I was going to throw up.

In the bedroom alone, I remember groaning and thinking, "Weird.... these are the sounds I made when pushing out babies the last two times. I can't really be to that stage so quickly, can I?" My midwife was by my side right away, helped me get my skirt off. She hadn't even had time to get set up and get more than a few basic supplies out. Rachel was in the kitchen cutting up more of my peaches for the freezer when she heard me making some noise. At first she thought she'd let me be and labor some before she came to take pictures, and then thought I sounded pretty serious so she hurried in with the camera. 

They said I didn't push for more than 5 minutes. It was faster even, than I'd given birth to my daughter. I could hardly believe it but was so relieved to have it over with. As I was pushing my baby out I could hardly manage the weight of my body (I was standing at the side of the bed supporting myself with my hands and even asked for someone to help hold me up as I felt my legs giving way. The magnitude of pressure is intense when you're pushing a baby out. My midwife thought I was stretching really well, no tearing, until the end. The baby's elbow and been in the wrong position coming out and it was just enough to reopen a tear I'd gotten during my last labor. My midwife caught the baby and they got me onto the bed right away. Before they could tell me I was asking what the gender was. Definitely a boy!

The afterbirth process took the longest. I hemorrhaged (not as badly as I did with my first two births but it was still quite a bit). We should have used Cytotec right away as we'd planned but at the last minute I decided it should be used as a last resort. My midwife gave me two rounds of Pitocin which barely helped and after that was failing she gave me two rounds of Cytotec.

It felt like quite a while after the birth (30 minutes?) that Rachel asked if we should call Jeff to let him know Laurie was born. I told her to go ahead and text him but not to tell him the gender... let that be a surprise. As Murphy would have it, Jeff got Rachel's text as he was pulling in the driveway. We got his reaction to the baby's gender on video. Jeff was so excited to have another son ....and to have missed the birth! Rachel asked him if he wanted to watch a video of the birth and he declined. I don't get why some guys are so queasy about birth but it's not my husband's favorite thing to take part in. LOL

My midwife gave me a saline IV next. It was probably a combination of blood loss, the cold IV fluids and the hormones surging through my body that made me shiver like crazy. I was SO cold. They warmed blankets in the dryer and covered me with heaps of them. They put socks on my feet and Rachel even made me bone broth hot chocolate!! That really hit the spot. Jeff called my parents and requested that they bring a hot water balloon to help warm me up. My parents and two brothers arrived with the balloon and also an electric blanket and got to meet Laurie while I was in bed dealing with the afterbirth process.  I eventually started feeling really warm was taking all the blanket layers off which was a good sign. My midwife ended up staying till around 7pm to make sure I was doing okay.

Jeff made us a late dinner. I wasn't too hungry but decided a plate chips and cheese with yummy toppings like avocado, homemade salsa and chicken would be delicious again! lol  My mom stayed until 11pm. She made sure we had baby clothes, diapers, wipes, alcohol & q-tips... all the essential baby care supplies in a handy spot for us. It was a long day but I was amazed at how quickly and smoothly everything had gone compared to my previous births. It was especially nice having a baby in the middle of the day so that all the clean up and afterbirth stuff could be wrapped up in time for bed!

And so Lawrence Edward was born only 5 days after his due date on a beautiful Summer afternoon. I couldn't have asked for better timing or a cuter baby boy! God is so good.

Towards the end of the day, tired & sore
and happy to finally be chilling with my little man.

Waiting for Mr. Lawrence

I could begin with when the contractions started to get heavy but that wouldn't make for a very fun story. Let me back up a bit...
 
With two kids under out belt we thought it would be a good idea to start trying for baby #3  last year. We'd begun tracking my BBT (I love my TempDrop!) and finally in December 2020 we were excited to discover we'd be expecting a baby in April!

Who could it be? Baby #3!

Overall I had a very healthy and easy pregnancy. I didn't gain as much weight as my last two pregnancy's and I felt like I had a lot of energy even into the 3rd trimester. I still needed a nap most days (and thankfully both toddlers took a noon nap so I could too). It was nice not feeling as worn out and I could take my kids for walks and still maintain the house fairly well. Beginning at 36 weeks I even went through a few weeks of "nesting". Actually, it was more like gutting the entire house. I had help from my mom and sister-in-law so I can't take all the credit, but I was able to reorganize all my boxes of children's clothes and there was a LOT that needed organizing!

My  husband was in disbelief when it was finally finished... at 11pm on a Saturday night. He was so impressed (or should I say, relieved?) that he helped me put the boxes back up on the shelves right then and there, instead of waiting till morning.

One of the few things I didn't tackle myself was watering my house plants. Partially because there were a number that needed to be moved to water, some that were up high on cabinets and so on, and mainly because I had taken in my sister-in-law's house plants and 50.... yes, FIFTY plants, that needed caring for. So my friend Jae came a number of times to help me out with that and other house chores I was falling behind on! Praise the Lord for friends like Jae!

Even with the house back in order I wasn't ready to have the baby yet. My husband kept saying the baby would come early. Everyone else was ready for me to have the baby. My grandma especially thought it would be good for the baby to come early since my relatives from VA were in town for my cousin's wedding and they really wanted to meet the baby. BUT.... I was not about to miss that wedding. OR miss getting to visit with my relatives! I knew that after baby arrived I'd be stuck at home for some time.
The wedding was August 21st. My due date was the 24th.

The wedding day arrived with perfect weather. Not piping hot like the day prior, nor as humid. The wedding didn't start till 3pm so I worked on freezing tomatoes from my garden and Jeff worked on changing the oil in his 4-wheeler. The kids went down for their naps, as did I. I set an alarm so I wouldn't over-sleep but Jeff turned my phone off without me knowing it. Once I woke up it was a race to get everyone ready and out the door! Although EmmyLou was quite happy to get dressed in a pretty little outfit, Wright refused to wear a dress shirt (halfway through the Summer he decided he hates shirts with collars!). I wouldn't have it so there was a mini battle and with Jeff's support I finally won. All that to say we ended up a few minutes late to my cousins VERY punctual, and fairly short, wedding. I was mostly embarrassed about not having been there on time or even early (which was my original plan). It never crossed my mind that everyone would assume I went into labor when we hadn't shown up!!!!  I'd put my phone on silent when we got in the car so I never noticed all the missed calls from people wondering if everything was okay. That was quite amusing! 

Don't mind my frizzy hair.
This was at 7pm after a long evening of celebrating!

People kept putting in bets on when I'd have the baby and since it was my 3rd go around with being pregnant I was not offended by all the pestering. I'd joke and say, "well, tomorrow IS the full moon... I'll probably go into labor then!" However, I also reassured everyone at the same time that my babies come late and I was planning on an overdue baby. Wright, my 1st born, was 2 weeks and 2 days overdue. EmmyLou came 4 days past her due date. Anything was possible. Early baby, late baby.... the sky was the limit.

My brother-in-law sent me this hilarious meme!

After the wedding was over and the out-of-town relatives had departed (all except my Aunt Justine) I had nothing left on the calendar to look forward to except giving birth.  I still hoped baby would come on or after it's due date so my husband wouldn't be right about me giving birth early. But either way I was okay with baby coming. On the night of the 23rd my friend Courtney sent me a text that she was getting induced due to medical complications.... and she wasn't due for another 3 weeks!

Courtney & Kyle with their beautiful baby girl!

I was elated to hear that her daughter was born on August 24th. Yet, at the same time I had a miserable day and finally realized that I was disappointed and wanted to have had my baby too! Always being a procrastinator by nature it's normal for me put off painful or difficult tasks (like getting a tooth pulled, washing a mountain of dishes or giving birth). This feeling surprised me, as I've never before cared about when baby came. I was exhausted this last little leg of my pregnancy, grumpy, emotional and just not keeping up with life anymore.

On Friday the 27th my husband came home from work and it seemed to me that he needed some time to unwind without the kids climbing all over him. I was so worn out and didn't know how I'd survive till their bed time, so I packed them into the car and took them to a store 15 minutes away. I figured it would be a good diversion, plus I really wanted to get suet for my bird feeders and tortilla chips for the fresh salsa I'd just made. My stomach felt funny on the drive and I kept thinking maybe I should just turn around and go home. But I didn't. Well..... we made it into the store, put a multi-pack of bird suet into the cart. Then Jeff called. He hadn't realized we'd left and I hadn't announced to him we were going. I just figured he knew from the million times I told the kids to put their shoes on and the car doors shutting, etc. I wasn't able to take his call because my phone was being weird. And then out of the blue... I felt the need to poop. Not just a "hey, lets stop by the bathroom after we checkout" kind of poop. A magnesium poop. For those of you who've never taken magnesium in excess.... like constipated pregnant ladies sometimes have to do.... there's no stopping a magnesium bowel movement.

If the phrase, "I don't give a crap" meant anything to anybody
...it would be the pregnant community.

As fast as a 40wk and 3 days, overdue, tired, waddling, pregnant woman can race with two toddlers in tow, I made a b-line for the restrooms. Which were conveniently located by the front of the store.... unlike the suet. As you've probably already guessed I lost my $*!# when I was 20 feet from the restroom entrance. I abandoned my shopping cart with suet and made it into a restroom stall with my two kids before it actually fell out of my underwear onto the floor. My poor 3 year old son was astonished, "MOM! Why is there poo on the floor?!" I had to explain that momma had an accident. After what felt like  a million years I finally got cleaned up enough to get out of there. Praise the Lord, the exit was located conveniently close to the restrooms!!! And so I hurried back to my home and a hot shower!

Thankfully, if there's a good crowd to poop your pants in front of, it's toddlers. They understand. No judgement there. However, for the next few days, I did hear about the incident from them. My 1 year old kept repeating, "Momma poo poo! Shaw-da (shower). Assedent (accident)." It was horrifying at the time and I did a good deal of crying that night. It's humorous enough now. After I recovered from the event I was mostly disappointed that I'd thrown away a perfectly good pair of maternity underwear!

40 weeks pregnant!

The Saturday before Laurie was born I felt like I had a sore throat and felt like I was getting a cold. I started taking massive doses of vitamins, Super Tonic and other remedies. Jeff even made dinner while I took an evening nap. He had to leave at 6:30pm to go pick up some farm supplies 1 1/2 hours away. I knew better than to ask to go with him... not to mention I was afraid to go anywhere for fear of scary BM's. In spite of being exhausted and feeling under-the-weather, I got the kids in bed, straightened up the house and froze three cookie sheets of peaches! The evening drug on and I started getting worried because Jeff still wasn't home. It turned out the owner of the farm store he'd gone to was chatty! Go figure. He made it home by 10:30pm, shortly after I had gone to bed. I thought for sure he'd be in bed soon and I zonked out.

When I woke up at 12am to use the restroom I was a little surprised that Jeff was still up on his phone. He's can be a night owl so I didn't think much of it. Then I woke up 1:30 and again at 2:30 and the lights were still on each time! I was getting pretty upset. Knowing the baby could come any day I thought it was irresponsible of him to stay up so late when I could be going into labor at any time. If he didn't get sleep I figured he'd be too tired to be helpful or present. I woke up at 3am and he was just going to bed. I was livid but too tired to even express myself. I had no thought whatsoever of really going into labor. I was still convinced it could be another week or two before baby came. ...even though I was having some period-like back pain throughout the night.

And so that was the start of to the 29th of August!

Mom Life

It's hard to believe I haven't blogged in years. Something that was a part of my daily life a decade ago is now a distant memory (typing momentarily interrupted to go help a little guy wipe his buns and try to beat his little sister to the bathroom, who cheerfully always brings the wipes container whenever her big brother needs assistance!).

Then again, it's not so hard to believe I haven't blogged in years when you take into consideration the fact that I am a mom. Such characters as moms do not have the luxury to blog nonchalantly whenever they please. I am currently on the computer while my children play happily, yet if I were to make this a regular habit I'd probably have to do it while they sleep. I guess some moms insist on maintaining the pleasures they enjoyed in their child-free years. They do so (I assume) by sacrificing their children to the god of television or some other electronic devices. 

I choose not to do this. And so, consequently, I have less "free" time. That's okay with me though. I can invest into writing blog posts that will be bounced into the unknown and wild realm of cyberspace, read by few and likely erased for some reason as the internet chances or the websites that exist now cease to exist in the future. Or I can invest into every little trying and triumphant moment that my children experience and I am certain that my efforts will go into eternity as far as my children make an impact in the world as they grow and change and become independent people.

That's an exciting thought. My grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren being the people they are because of the choices and sacrifices I made to ensure my children had a hands-on mom. I will never see those fruits (at least not all of them) and I'm okay with that. It is enough for me to know that God promises a huge return to parents who choose to raise up their children to walk in truth.

I might blog more often now. Since blogging last my husband built us our own home. We have no internet lines where we live so for a long time I was without internet (and my phone only had a 2g data plan.... hardly enough to browse the internet for a few minutes). Recently we updated my phone plan so I can use my hotspot and so that I have enough data to actually accomplish things like paying bills online or even an occasional pleasurable moment like watching a movie, etc. So, just maybe, I'll blog more now. When my kids sleep. Or maybe it'll be another two years before I blog again... and that's okay.

Why You Should Drink Milk

Milk is delicious, healthy and yet it's been turned into an evil that it isn't.  This website is really fun and shows that a lot of the things we're taught about milk are simply false. Even though I grew up on a dairy farm and understood that whole milk is a better, healthier product than the 2% - skim milks, but I still thought it was fattening. Did you know that whole milk is only 3% fat? WHOLE milk. ...and I don't mean the whole milk they sell at the store. Much of that is altered and the fat is removed. This is a fact that I wasn't aware of until today when I checked out the 97 Milk website.
I am reminded of a simple the simple truth that we should ever stop learning... and also that we should never stop drinking whole milk. Don't believe the fads, don't believe the propaganda.

97 Milk Website

P.S. I am an advocate for raw milk which sadly this website doesn't promote. I guess you gotta take the good and leave the rest.

15 Red Flags to Watch for in Guys

*the following is adapted from the "Redirected Relationships" presentation given at the Encouraging Young Ladies Retreat.

Learning to see the red flags in guys (and in people!) can take some work. While some warning signs are obvious, others are not so easy to detect. This is why it can be helpful to get wise counsel when you're interested in a fellow.

15 Red Flags
1 - A guy who is too flattering. This can be any thing from excessively praising you, or shallow praise regarding things like your looks. Too many people can tell you you’re pretty but never praise your real qualities.
2 - A guy who is unkind or mean. 
It doesn’t matter how much you like them. If they aren’t kind, polite or nice to you or to others that’s a big red flag.
3 - If in a relationship he treats other girls the same as you and doesn’t set you apart. 
My brother-in-law was a very popular, friendly guy and he liked to hug all the ladies. My sister didn’t feel comfortable with that and stopped talking to him. He finally saw the error of his ways when his father and a friend backed my sister up.
4 - How a guy treats others when he’s around you.  When a guy is waiters, cashiers or other such people these are good times to watch his behavior. This is important because someday you’ll be the one serving your husband. If he treats someone who's serving him, such as a waitress, with disrespect then he’ll probably treat you that way too.
5 - How a guy acts with kids. 
Remember, you can choose your husband but your kids can’t choose their father. Choose wisely.
6 - A guy who’s so cool that he’s out of your league.
Any guy who acts as if you’re lucky to be with him is bad news. Another thing to watch for is a guy who doesn’t make time for you or your relationship and treats you like a pot on the back burner. Respect yourself and know that you deserve someone who thinks the world of you. My friend Cassandra says, “Don’t settle for someone who treats you half way.”  
7 - A guy who doesn’t want to take responsibility. 
Cassandra went on a date with a guy who told her, “I’m more of a follower so you’ll have to take the lead in this relationship” This is the sort of sissy you don't want to end up with.
8 - A guy who lists his life history of problems right off the bat. 
While the flip side can be a guy who doesn’t ever acknowledge any problems it’s more normal for a person to put their best foot forward initially. Someone who gives you a sob story right away is choosing to be the victim in life. If this guy is miserable he's definitely looking for company. Don't join his pity party. You don't want to lead a miserable life, too.
9 - A guy who shows a lack of protection and gentlemanly behavior. 
Whether it’s opening doors, chairs, or letting you walking on the inside of the road, a man should lay down his life for his wife and his children or anyone who he's responsible for.
10 - A man who expects everyone to serve him but never serves others. If a guy who has high expectations and wants to be served from a silver platter but can't reciprocate is looking for a mama to take care of him. Not a wife. It's also probably that his mom is a piece of work since she was the one who catered to and cultured his needy ways. That's not the kind of mother-in-law you want. You should have to compete with your husband's mother.
11 - A guy who pushes your boundaries. Watch out for guys who don't respect your boundaries, especially men who don’t respect physical boundaries. Guys who do this often start off with the little things and work their way up to crossing your biggest boundaries. When you object they’ll find convincing ways to get off the hook and excuse their behavior. Different men do this in different ways. There are passive guys and there are aggressive guys.  Sometimes it can be hard to detect if a guy is very subtle. These guys view you as a challenge and/or they’re in it to see how far they can undo all your standards. The best way to protect yourself is to establish your boundaries and keep to them. Remember this applies to other areas besides being physical. Emotional and spiritual boundaries are at risk, too. No matter how much you like a guy, or how respectful he is in every other way, if he doesn’t have your fathers blessing or he’s not your husband this is a BIG red flag. 
12- Another thing to watch out for is negative family history. 
Bad family relationships, abuse or other forms of dysfunction don’t necessarily mean a guy will be a nut job but he may come with baggage. Or he may just be a nut job. When searching for a husband we ladies often err on the side of giving a guy the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to see the good in the first guy I courted and dwell on his potential. I didn’t consider the issues with his character. Here is a good rule of thumb: A guy is always guilty until proven innocent.
13 - If you end things and they don’t accept that. AND...
14 - If he tries to get you to leave your parent's leadership and home.
The first guy I courted was notorious for not taking no for an answer. Even after I'd made it clear I was no longer interested in him I received a letter from him in 2016. He mailed it to his sister and had her deliver it to me so that my parents wouldn't see it. It was the weirdest letter ever. It was like if Satan had tried to copy a letter from the Apostle Paul. It was full of twisted scripture and while he tried to make it sound like he had godly intentions, he tried to tell me that my parents were of the devil. He wrote, "Allow me to be pointed now and say instruction from your parents alone will destroy your true potential in Jesus. If they disagree then they have stepped into the shoes of Jesus and are lead of the devil. Let that not be the case. May I also be bold and say that you should leave your parents house in order to follow Jesus. The woman of Proverbs 31 did not stay at home under her parents wings. May I also say that most men don't desire a woman who is foreign to living in the world. You barely know your own self, why would someone else wish to enter into a relationship with you? Finding your identity is something that you do now. Please see the wisdom in this, not for my glory but for Gods."
He ended the letter, " P.S. I have spent much time talking with friends and family about you and it has been a great thing. I know we haven't talked in a very long time. Sometime I'd like to know why? Many people have said we should get married. I have thought about it and prayed about it. So if you want to talk about that we can. If nothing else I'd like to talk about Jesus working in your life and mine. That is the only thing that matters to me anymore."
I like how he just got done telling me that no one would want to be in a relationship with me while I live at my parents home and then dangles the bate of marriage in the Post Script. I have to chuckle every time I read this letter, but it's scary to consider what he'd hoped that letter would produce.
15 - Rushing things is a red flag.  Watch out for a guy who is hasty. This can be an issue. You’re more likely to see a guy’s real character the longer you get to know him so don’t make decisions in the heat of the moment or commit to someone in the beginning of a relationship. It's important to remember that a guy who is hasty may have a problem being patient. Patience is key when you get married because there will be stressors in your relationship, with your children and in life in general.
 
To sum it up!
If your interested in a guy who seems to be demonstrating red flags or people are telling you they’re seeing red flags in him you should take note! Get second opinions, keep an eye out for these problems and if they are really an issue steer clear of the dude! He’s not the only man on earth and there are more fish in the sea!

The Importance of parents in the process of guy/girl relationship

*the following is adapted from the "Redirected Relationships" presentation given at the Encouraging Young Ladies Retreat.

Prov. 11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.

Hebrews 13:17, Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

Some gals might feel like their parent’s intervention is going to ruin their lives but this is the form of protection God has given us as we seek a husband. I cannot stress enough how huge it was to have my parents involved in both of my courtships and in dismissing the guys who I chose not to court. The first time around I really gave my parents a run for their money. I didn’t always like my parent’s involvement during my first courtship. When they started advising me against the fellow I liked I didn’t want to hear it. At times I thought if my parents were out of the way it would be so much easier. How wrong I was! And how glad I am that they were there to save me from myself! Without their prayers, leadership and forgiveness I could have really ruined my life.
My grandmothers also greatly influenced my decisions. They’d both been left by their husbands and had a lot of wisdom for me. They cautioned me in regards to the guy I liked as they'd noticed things about him that bothered them. He reminded them of the negative traits they'd see in their ex-husbands.

Not every girl has a father and a mother who are willing to take the time to protect their daughters and insist young men seek after us ladies by means of courtship, but if you have parents who want to do this for you, take advantage of it! And if you don’t, seek Godly parents in the Lord to help you!! Later when my future husband, Jeff, started communicating with me through Facebook Messenger I came to them right away and had them read all of our messages.  Even though I felt much older and wiser I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I did the previously. I knew I could still be deceived.

By the time I began getting to know Jeff I knew I wanted my family and friends involved in my choice of a husband. I made sure to get my parents input and made them read all of my correspondences with Jeff. I knew the temptation was to believe that as a much wiser 25 year old, my parent’s input was unnecessary. But I knew that God put my parents there for my protection, EVEN at the age of 25. It was a relief to turn things over to God and to my family and go into our relationship knowing that it might not work out. I was okay with that because now I was able to trust God with my future and trust my parents with my heart.

In every stage of life God has provided a woman with protection and an authority over her. Parents, husbands, and even widows have protection through the men of the church and other Godly church family. (1 Tim 5) Occasionally a young woman’s parents are wrongly controlling and abusive or alternatively they are absent and uninvolved. In such case a young woman cannot rely on her parents to advise and direct her. The temptation in such cases is for a woman to feel like she can make her own decisions but this is very dangerous. In such situations it is important to seek godly, married and/or older women in the church to direct and council you. Not women who tell you what you want to hear but who can be honest and direct with you.